girls on top

Hello!

So, since I posted last week about my new house and how happy I was...well, things have taken a slightly different turn. A turn for the worse, but also a turn for the ..good??

The same evening I wrote the post about how happy I was and that we were moving etc (it has since been removed, so I'm sorry if you didn't get the chance to read it!) Adam didn't come home until 2am, after I had posted a status on Facebook worried sick about him. The next day, he was angry at me for writing it, and after work that night, when we came home he told me he had been unhappy about our relationship for a few months, had started to like someone else (that he works with) and not really loved me as much during this time. He also said that the status I wrote got him told off at work and it made him look "unprofessional" because his colleagues could see it (even though his work wasn't even mentioned). Not really sure how that one works....

Anyway, on Tuesday he officially ended things with me, (after thinking I already knew things were over) and so, I HAVE moved out, and I'm back living with my parents, which in a way, I'm actually really happy about! I'm so grateful to have such a loving and supporting connection of friends and family to help me get through this whole thing. Today I moved the last bits out of our old place and I didn't really feel sad, but it was a bit upsetting to see the room how it was with all my stuff gone. Today I've felt quite good and I know it's going to get better from here!

The hardest parts for me to deal with, and for both of us is how things ended. There are always two sides to a story, whether they be good or bad, and I think that even though I *think* I deserve the right to be really angry and super upset because there is now a 3rd person involved who is potentially going to take someone away from me forever, the same thing is obviously happening to him (minus the 3rd person) and sometimes things get so misconstrued. It's not easy for me not to write certain things online just to make me feel better because that's usually a quick fix for frustration and in the long run, it's not the best idea. I've been burned by doing that before, so I've learnt to be more careful about the things I say online and to whom I say them to, because online, anyone can see what you write. Even if you delete something, there is a always a memory of it somewhere that could come back to haunt you later on in life. Damn hackers!

Realistically, this has been hard both mentally and physically, as we lived together, and moving physically out of someone's life is so shit. That wasn't the case with my previous boyfriend so the break-up was a little easier, but it still hurt. In this case we grew apart, but there are always things that can be fixed (from the way I see it anyway). I guess if you really want to try, things can hopefully become better, but if you don't want to try then things can't, and they feel even more shit. I think one thing that upsets me is that while I think that the problems we have together are fixable, Adam doesn't seem to think so. I'm not sure if it's because I'm too naive to think that way or if it's because I don't want to let go to what we had, but it almost seems like an unwillingness to make things right. That, I've told him!

When you want to give your life to someone and it's someone who you've never cared for more than anything in the world before, this comes with such a hard blow. I was ready (and deep down, still am) to give my life to him, to have kids and settle down and make a life for ourselves. He is the first person I've ever told that to, and the only one who has ever made me feel that way. That's not something that can change overnight, you could dislike someone overnight, but you can't change the way you feel about them deep down. Adam told me that he felt the same way and that would never change for him, but when someone is breaking up with you and saying that, it feels so hard to believe and understand. I sound like a weird psycho ex-girlfriend who could be pleading with the other half to get back together, but it's because this has been the best thing to ever happen to me, and now it's pretty much gone. You can't make someone feel a certain way and you can't make them do what you want them to, but again, deep down and really lodged away inside, I still really feel like we could get through this, look past the things that caused us to drift and begin again.

And so on to new beginnings. A trip to Japan, Paris and plenty of other things are in the works and I feel like I have so many opportunities and experiences to grab a hold of! Now I just have to sift through the crap that I've accumulated and eBay/throw the stuff I don't want! Thank goodness for free listing fees this weekend!

I AM ON TOP!